Unfortunately, this second half marathon wasn't all that I had hoped it would be.
A few months ago, I started a training program. But, when a deal at work started to require late nights and weekends in the office, I abandoned the plan. Realistically, there's no way I would have been able to fit in my long runs, but I could have kept up with three shorter runs per week. (After all, I stuck to my Austin training program through law school finals.) Those short runs would have been limited to the treadmill and there was no joy in that for me. So I let the runs slide and, pretty soon, I wasn't getting any exercise at all.
But I still ran--shuffled, really--and finished the 13.1 mile course about 20 minutes behind my Austin time.
There will be a third half marathon, done right. Because the real value of the half marathon isn't finishing the course. The real value is in sticking to the training schedule, getting fit, feeling great, sleeping well at night, and losing a bit of weight along the way.
* * *
In terms of work-life balance, the half marathon story is telling. Despite the frightening small amount of deal work that has come through the offices this year, I have found it difficult to make and stick to plans. I've allowed the firm to derail some major life plans (e.g., living in San Diego) and keep me from making others. Because I've gained such a small amount of work experience in return, the sacrifice seems fruitless.
I get that the economy is terrible and I should be incredibly grateful for my job. Believe me, it is thrilling to be able to pay my bills and save for retirement each month. I get a lot of satisfaction out of that. My family takes the grateful-for-my-job attitude a step further and believes that the paycheck is all that matters; and it is disappointing to realize that their hopes and dreams for me are so very limited.
What is missing from my life? Friendship. Happiness. Companionship. Intellectual challenge. Purpose at work. It has gotten so bad that I don't even have a vision for my future anymore. I have never felt so lonely or adrift.
There must be more to life than this.
2 comments:
I used to go through the same feelings when I first moved to Dallas. It is especially tough when you are new in town and come home to an empty apartment. But I will say it gets better, once you start developing a social circle.
Fortunately or unfortunately, there is plenty of drama going on in my company to keep me on my toes and my mind away from thinking too much about the loneliness.
Even the virtual world is great! I have met many of my blogger friends and they were EXACTLY like I had imagined them to be! Ive been lucky to have formed some great friendships through that channel. I guess the written word tells you so much more about a person than you think it does. Plus there is no pretense and I love it!
Hope you start feeling better soon.
Cheers.
Hang in there! the first year of Big Law can be hard. you will get through this. I would suggest trying to meet some people in your town. join a group! join an alumni association from one of your alma maters. or a singles group or a church group. but don't let yourself just feel sorry for your self. depression has a way of feeding on itself. so keep yourself upbeat! you are happy and healthy and employed. maybe you don't think that's a lot. but other people you meet will think you are pretty special. or call one of your best friends from undergrad or law school. remembering "the good ole days" will put you in a great mood.
i promise this hard time passes. i have been there. i thought i would love law, turns out i don't. i have moved away from hating my job though. big step for me. i do what i love on the weekends and after work. it makes life so much easier! that and keeping yourself in a good mood/happy. good luck!
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